Braves' Hinske to Team: "Come On Guys, This Isn't That Hard"

After lacing a two-out base hit off the right field wall in last night's 9-0 blowout loss to the Los Angeles Angels, Atlanta Braves right fielder Eric Hinske turned to his dugout, saying, "Come on guys, this really isn't that hard!"

Hinske's base hit, which resulted in a single despite reaching the right field wall, was only the team's third of the night, a night that belonged to Angels pitcher Ervin Santana.

Santana threw a mere 103 pitches, striking out 7 and scattering 4 hits in a complete game effort that left the Braves looking helpless at the plate. Helpless, that is, with the exception of Hinske, who was 2 for 3 on the evening.

"I keep telling you guys," Hinske continued upon re-entering the dugout after a Freddie Freeman groundout ended the Braves' half of the inning, "just watch what I do. It's not all that difficult."

Hinske has reportedly spent the bulk of the young season constantly inviting his teammates to hit with him in the batting cage and work out with him in the weight room, so he might pass along his expertise to the team's struggling offense.

"Hinske's always in the cage, telling us, 'Watch how I do it. See? Just like that. It's simple' and asking us to work out with him," says 5-time All-Star and team captain Brian McCann.

Teammates say Hinske constantly trys to teach them workout techniques and new exercises, making considerable boasts despite his decidedly untoned 6'2, 255-pound frame.

"All I'm trying to say," Hinske was overheard saying after the game, "is that you see the ball, you throw your hands at it, and you hit it off the wall! Easy! Why can't any of you guys do it?"

Hinske's self-proclaimed prowess comes despite his being a career journeyman and utility player now on his 6th major league team. He has a career batting average of .255.

"I don't know why you guys think this is so hard. Just go out there and hit doubles in the gap!" Hinske said to no one in particular in the shower after the game, although his teammates had all left upon his entrance.

The Braves' floundering offense has resulted in an underwhelming 25-22 start, despite a pitching staff that has performed near the top of the National League. Atlanta's lack of run production has been the source of much criticism.

"Guys, just swing like this," Hinske encouraged while brandishing a bat in the nude as the team dressed to leave.

"Yeah guys, come on!" piped up team newcomer and fellow utility man Joe Mather, who started in place of a resting Jason Heyward and accounted for the team's 2 only other hits. "Just watch me and Hinsk' do it and you'll hit awesome!"

At press time, Hinske and Mather had manager Fredi Gonzalez cornered in his office arguing their cases to hit in the 3 and 4-holes of the Braves lineup for tonight's game.

An Open Letter to Francisco Liriano

Dear Francisco,

Congratulations on tossing the 270th no-hitter in the history of Major League Baseball. Sports business experts predict this feat will earn you somewhere in the neighborhood of $15-25 million in memorabilia sales over the course of your lifetime. Quite an impressive raise, considering that, in the days before last night's start, your manager openly considered your reassignment to the minor leagues. You were on the verge of never pitching in a major league uniform again! And your response was to throw a game that will forever enshrine your name in the record books.

I must point out that you gave no inclination whatsoever that you were capable of accomplishing such an achievement--especially this year--during which you logged an abysmal 1-4 record, a 9.13 ERA, and a despicable 18/18 strikeout to walk ratio. Sure, you displayed promise in the past. You were an American League all star as a rookie in 2006, and after a middling 3-year stretch in the wake of Tommy John surgery, you confirmed your early-career expectations by being voted last year's AL Comeback Player of the Year.

However, as this season got underway, that award appeared more and more dubious. Control issues, a lack of velocity, and an inability to pitch deep into games forced your manager, Ron Gardenhire, to go on the record questioning your spot in the rotation you were meant to anchor. Things looked bleak. So bleak, in fact, that one particular fantasy owner of yours decided it was not worth the risk to start you last night. There he sat, on the couch, enjoying a lunch break, watching the MLB network, contemplating his fantasy lineup before the day's games commenced. I'd better sit him, he thought. The Twins are sliding. This guy may be out the door soon. There's no way he contributes tonight. Hell! You had never even thrown a complete game! What were the odds you'd spin a no-no at what appeared to be the noir of your career?

But you did. In keeping with your statistical trends up to this point in the season, you walked 6 batters and struck out a mere 2--numbers so beyond pedestrian that they are unprecedented among your no-hitter tossing brethren. Many called it the ugliest no-hitter they'd ever seen. But a no-no's a no-no. It'll go down in history. It'll help fix those atrocious numbers. And no one can ever take it away from you.

So thanks for allowing us to be a part of history with you, you asshole. Next time how about a heads-up before you even think about making a quality start? This better add to your fantasy value because you will soon be floated as trade bait.

With the utmost sincerity,
Statistically-driven fantasy owners across the globe