Strasburg's Signing and Its Impact on Global Terrorism

The Nationals miraculously managed to come to terms with Steven Strasburg and mega-agent Scott Boras, the most accomplished negotiator this side of William Shatner, before last night's midnight deadline.

While the details of the deal have been released, as we all know, the numbers we see in the news do not encapture all the conditions of the agreement.

Take, for example, the ninety-some-odd million dollars on Eli Manning's recent contract. They represent the potential amount he can earn, but the majority of his compensation is incentives-based. What you see in print in most cases is not what the player actually gets.

Michael Vick was awarded the most lucrative contract in NFL history before an ill-advised business manuever landed him in a Virginia prison, and when he did not fulfill the incentives written into his contract, he didn't earn close to the amount shown on paper.

While MLB contracts typically represent the entire sum a player can expect to take home for the duration of the agreement, Stephen Strasburg's package contains more than meets the eye.

Strasburg's original list of demands, as interpreted by Scott Boras, consisted of nearly 100 million U.S. dollars. When the Nationals refused to comply with their requests, Strasburg and Boras did what all great movie hostage takers do when their ransom goes unpaid. They threatened and made further demands.

It just so happens that Strasburg is a loyal Soviet nationalist furious that his Mother Russia has been upstaged as the world's pariah state par-excellence by petty former U.S.S.R. parcels like Afghanistan. While the Nats could not raise enough money to satisfy his original cash demands, their key positioning in our nation's capital made the team an able but unlikely broker for goods of a more volatile nature... Soviet terrorists held over as enemies-of-state from the Cold War.

In accordance with Strasburg's second list of demands, which were relayed to him over the phone by Scott Boras through a voice distorter like the one in the Scream films, Nationals owner Mark Lerner immediately contacted the Pentagon to negotiate for the release of seven Soviet terrorists retained in the military prison at Guantanimo Bay, Cuba. Although Lerner had to give up season tickets to the Kennedy Center and was forced to fix the outcome of several of the Nats' now famous 6th inning President Runs, the Pentagon complied, satisfying the most stringent of Strasburg's demands.

Next, Lerner was forced to arrange a fuelled 747 to be prepped on the tarmac of the Havana airport to facilitate the transportation of the Soviet loyalists, along with a squadron of accompanying FA/18 Hornets to function as a protective envoy for the expatriates.

Once Lerner orchestrated the fireballing Strasburg's requests, he agreed to ink a nominal $15 million deal to help the Nats save face. Strasburg, content and optimistic that the terrorists will effectively be able to incite a second Cold War, reported to Rookie Ball in Des Moines this morning.

On a more serious note...

Here's an issue I take very seriously and some thoughts I have tried to instill in a few of my more hot-headed teammates. (I won't name any names, but I'm thinking of an individual whose surname rhymes with Shmarshletski.) Please take a look at Tom Verducci's intelligent write-up, MLB Needs to Curb Macho Culture, on the ludicrous game of bean-ball recounted seemingly every evening on Baseball Tonight. Now is a better time than ever to examine the current state of affairs, with the recent flash flood of cranial blunt-force trauma wounds inflicted on the diamond. Take a look at what Verducci has to say, and then, if you have absolutely nothing better to do, consider my analysis of the situation and suggestions for its correction, in the form of a response I just shot off to Mr. Verducci...

Excellent piece (MLB Needs to Curb Macho Culture). I can't think of anything less masculine than hurling a projectile at another man. And hitters only appear more ridiculous when they charge the mound in a fit of machismo, only to fling a batting helmet as a weapon, like Kevin Youkilis recently. I don’t know what initiated the present era of puffed up braggadocio, but with each MLB bullpen today carrying several pitchers capable of hitting the upper-90’s on the gun, a potentially tragic system of reciprocation and revenge has suddenly taken hold as the unavoidable status quo.

What will it take to bring an end to this cycle? It looks like all-star and franchise player David Wright may miss the remainder of the ’09 season. I can only hope he will recover the composure required to step back into the box and compete at his former level.

I used to think hockey’s ritual of condoned pugilism cheapened the game, but now I can see that it effectively provides forum for players to release frustration and settle disputes man-to-man, without access to weapons, and referees positioned to call off the fight when it has run its course.

A 95 MPH fastball is a weapon (see Julio Castillo, the minor leaguer who struck a fan in the head last year with a ball intended for the opposing bench in a dugout-clearing brawl and his since been charged with felony assault). This game of strutting around “protecting players” could very well result in the death or serious maiming of a party with no stake in the quarrel apart from the misfortune of sharing a uniform with a bone-headed vigilante reliever. What we see played out on a near-nightly basis is nothing more than schoolyard posturing with the unfortunate availability of deadly weapons.

It is widely acknowledged that we expect too much from our athletes. But they must be made to understand the magnitude of their actions. There is a time and place for the bean ball. But as every pitching coach worth his salt has taught, it belongs on the hitter’s back, never at his head. Until pitchers have demonstrated the capacity to make the ball go where they want it, they should not be permitted to take another individual’s life in their hands.

Umpires should not be charged with interpreting intent. They have their hands full on the field as it is. Perhaps a disciplinary panel consisting of former players should be established to rule on these incidents. And punishments should equal those in place for steroid use. Both infractions can potentially lead to severe physical harm and set a poor example for young fans of the game. The current culture is breeding youths who believe what they see on television is the big league way to play. The cycle must be broken before a new generation of head hunters ascends and the sport is ruined for good.

Bulldogs in Forbes

Forbes recently released this examination into which college football games will demand the highest ticket prices this season.

First on the list, no surprise, is USC at Notre Dame (10/17). Notre Dame has the nation's largest fanbase, most likely because the Catholic church frowns upon the use of contraception, and USC has the most popular college football team in the country's most populous state.

However, number two may raise some eyebrows.

Forbes reveals that ticket prices at every single University of Georgia game played at the team's home of Sanford Stadium in Athens, Georgia will eclipse the asking price of tickets for any other game in the 2009 season.

Which means the November 7th game against Tennessee Tech, even if the Dawgs limp in with three losses and no remaining BCS hopes, will demand a heftier sum than "The Red River Shootout," featuring two National Championship-caliber teams and a Heisman favorite in Colt McCoy. More than the heralded LSU-Florida matchup at Death Valley.

What conclusions can we draw from this revelation? Certainly that the level of enthusiasm for Georgia football surmounts that of any other team in the country, even in spite of the team's lackluster pre-season ranking (15th by Sports Illustrated).

And don't go looking at stadium capacity figures to argue that ticket scarcity could be an explanation for the exceptionally high ticket prices asked for Georgia games.

Sanford Stadium holds upwards of 92,000 people. The Cotton Bowl (site of OU-Texas) holds roughly the same amount (92,200) and Death Valley fills up to a similar 92,400.

I'm just presenting the facts as illuminated by Forbes. Don't let my UGA-bias sway you. Take a look at the numbers and draw conclusions for yourself. However, it sure is hard to argue that passion for Georgia football may very well be the most fervent in the nation.