Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Favre Makes Decision


You heard it here first. Brett Favre has agreed to come to terms with the Minnesota Vikings... under the condition that Vikings brass allow him to play this season not in standard NFL uniform, but in his trusty frayed Nike Golf hat, a sleeveless worn out purple t-shirt with a faded number 4 on the front, muddy Nike Shox with low-cut black socks, and an option for either khaki cargo pants or Wrangler bluejeans (depending on gametime temperature).

Vikings management has scrambled to set up meetings with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Reebok president Michael Samuels tomorrow to bargain for permission to have a player so egregiously out of uniform.

Favre has also expressly requested that the Vikings sign his hometown pal Gus McKeen, the guy who made that awesome catch diving into the mud in Favre's most recent Wranglers commercial. Favre feels the Vikings need to add a sure-handed possession receiver into the mix to be a true playoff contender, not to mention a guy who's willing to lay out and get a little dirty in less-than-ideal playing conditions.

Furthermore, Favre is negotiating for exclusive playcalling rights over Minnesota's offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell. Favre's offensive genius is demonstrated clearly in that Wrangers commercial... of course I'm referencing the fake-reverse, no look pitch that completely duped the opposing defense and resulted in a key conversion on 3rd and 4. Apparently, Favre just drew that play up in the huddle, he says he has tons more razzle dazzle drawn up after months of experimenting with daughters Brittany and Breleigh and laborador retreiver Cooper in the backyard.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bastille Day

France may be excited about Bastille Day, but I'd like to stifle those smelly Frenchies' excitement and remind the entire globe that the U.S. > France on any day. (Thanks for the help in that Revolutionary War, though.) For your patriotic enjoyment: WATCH HERE

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mid-Season Awards

The All-Star break is upon us and that can only mean one thing... Deucedbrains' inaugural Billy Scripture Memorial Mid-Season Awards. Sportswriters from across the nation have sent in their ballots, and our interns have calculated the results. Drumroll please...


The Rollie Fingers Award for Achievement in Facial Hair Growth by a Relief Pitcher goes to Arizona Diamondbacks rookie Clay Zavada. The sensational face-salad clinging to Zavada's upper lip speaks for itself. Who wants a mustache ride?


The Steven Shepherd Trophy for Inscrutable Mound Activity goes to Mets' pitcher Mike Pelfrey for his dumbfounding three balks in a May 16th loss to the Giants televised nationally on ESPN.

The 1-Man, No Cup Prize for Astonishing Willingness to Share Fecal Matter is awarded to Phillies' outfielder Raoul Ibanez, who proffered his stool (along with his urine, hair and blood... hopefully not mixed) to a blogger who suggested Ibanez's recent explosion in offensive production may be attributable to performance enhancing drugs.

The Geriatric Award, sponsored by Rascal Scooter Co., Inc. goes to Phillies' quadragenarian Jamie Moyer for his impressive effectiveness as a starter despite his old age. MLB may want to research the potential performance enhancing characteristics of a combination of Avadart, Levitra, Celebrex, Just for Men and over-the-counter ulcer medication.


The Deucedbrains Plaque for Stifling Proficiency in Getting One's Brains Deuced Out is awarded to Oklahoma City RedHawks' first-baseman Chris Davis. Davis struck out an impressive 114 times in 258 big league at-bats for the Rangers before being demoted to the minors. He did bang out 15 home runs however, meaning he either struck out or left the yard in exactly 50% of his AB's this year.

The Orbitz Gum "Dirty Mouth" Award goes to White Sox third-baseman Gordon Beckham for this slide into second base against the Royals on 4th of July weekend.

The Jason Kidd, Sickest No-Look Dish of the Half-Year is awarded to JU alum Daniel Murphy of the Mets for this web gem which sadly predated his benching.


Oakland A's pitcher Josh Outman walks away with two prestigious "Deucies." One for Most Uncannily Suitable Surname (with a name like that, he was born to get outs) and the Hoboken Knitting Society's Prize for Outstanding Hosiery in appreciation for his leg garmenting. While I am not the biggest fan of the A's yellow sanitaries, I do value Outman's efforts to bring the 6-inch stirrup back in vogue.

Well that's all we have for now. Winners, your prizes should arrive via DHL in the coming weeks. We are always accepting suggestions for further awards and will provide forum for your recommendations. Thanks!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sorry for the lack of content. Working hard to get some entertaining stuff to you. For now, follow us on Twitter (yes, it's come to that)... http://www.twitter.com/deucedbrains