An Open Letter to Francisco Liriano

Dear Francisco,

Congratulations on tossing the 270th no-hitter in the history of Major League Baseball. Sports business experts predict this feat will earn you somewhere in the neighborhood of $15-25 million in memorabilia sales over the course of your lifetime. Quite an impressive raise, considering that, in the days before last night's start, your manager openly considered your reassignment to the minor leagues. You were on the verge of never pitching in a major league uniform again! And your response was to throw a game that will forever enshrine your name in the record books.

I must point out that you gave no inclination whatsoever that you were capable of accomplishing such an achievement--especially this year--during which you logged an abysmal 1-4 record, a 9.13 ERA, and a despicable 18/18 strikeout to walk ratio. Sure, you displayed promise in the past. You were an American League all star as a rookie in 2006, and after a middling 3-year stretch in the wake of Tommy John surgery, you confirmed your early-career expectations by being voted last year's AL Comeback Player of the Year.

However, as this season got underway, that award appeared more and more dubious. Control issues, a lack of velocity, and an inability to pitch deep into games forced your manager, Ron Gardenhire, to go on the record questioning your spot in the rotation you were meant to anchor. Things looked bleak. So bleak, in fact, that one particular fantasy owner of yours decided it was not worth the risk to start you last night. There he sat, on the couch, enjoying a lunch break, watching the MLB network, contemplating his fantasy lineup before the day's games commenced. I'd better sit him, he thought. The Twins are sliding. This guy may be out the door soon. There's no way he contributes tonight. Hell! You had never even thrown a complete game! What were the odds you'd spin a no-no at what appeared to be the noir of your career?

But you did. In keeping with your statistical trends up to this point in the season, you walked 6 batters and struck out a mere 2--numbers so beyond pedestrian that they are unprecedented among your no-hitter tossing brethren. Many called it the ugliest no-hitter they'd ever seen. But a no-no's a no-no. It'll go down in history. It'll help fix those atrocious numbers. And no one can ever take it away from you.

So thanks for allowing us to be a part of history with you, you asshole. Next time how about a heads-up before you even think about making a quality start? This better add to your fantasy value because you will soon be floated as trade bait.

With the utmost sincerity,
Statistically-driven fantasy owners across the globe