2010 Swimsuit Edition

With record lows gripping the nation, and an utter lack of creative initiative, Deucedbrains is proud to present its inaugural Swimsuit Edition, featuring many of your favorite athletes from today and yesteryear like you've never seen them before.


John Daly, who is prone to ditching his top in practice rounds to free up his spleen-shattering, over-extended backswing, shows the fruit of his weight room labor and the vast reaches of international athletic superstardom.


Another PGA Tour mainstay, Doug Barron, bears his chest. (Shown in designer plaid trousers by Joseph A. Bank's Leadbetter collection)


Tiger Woods displays the body that launched a thousand Vegas cocktail waitresses. (Beanie by Roc-A-Wear)


Phil Mickelson remains tastefully clad while suggestively revealing the source of his tremendous length off the tee and milky smooth short game.



Moving beyond golf, we find Pete Rose in a vintage shot. Long before Michael Vick, Rose made animal cruelty (notice the leopard-printed skivvies) athlete-chic.


From the same archive comes Jim Palmer, Orioles' Hall of Famer and no stranger to the weight room. Palmer never took the mound without his patterened bikini bottoms


All-star outfielder and Skoal spokesman -turned hedgefund manager savant -turned bankrupted buffoon Lenny "Nails" Dykstra "bears" all (get it? bull/bear market?)


Ensemble performer of the steroid era, Brady Anderson, displays how a light-hitting corner outfielder can turn Maris-chaser with the right blend of chemical compounds and Adonis-esque arrogance.


Andre Agassi may have felt he needed a hair piece to satisfy tennis fans, but here proves here he is flocculent in all the right places.


How did this physique plummet to the sixth round!? Tom Brady shows what it takes to bag a supermodel.


Vince Young, Patron bottle to the face, demonstrates that a strict regimen of alcohol and exercise can cure even the deepest depression.

There you have it. Feel free to propagate these images directly onto your operating systems' desktops or post them in your gym locker for inspiration. Oh, the varied anatomies of our sports heroes!

MLB Spearheads Relief Initiative in Haiti

Traditional relief organizations the Red Cross, the United Nations and the Peace Corps all dispatched rescue missions to the island nation of Haiti today in the wake of yesterday's devastating earthquake, which left thousands dead, injured or missing. However, the first aid-providing institution on the ground surprised both Haitians and worldwide observers alike. Major League Baseball dispatched an impressive armada of assistance yesterday, even before the ink on the seismometer's printout dried. General Managers, team owners and sports agents took to the skies, flying in a tight formation of G-4's and LearJets, touching down into Port au Prince's modest airport as early as 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

"We had to get here as soon as we could. The turmoil is beyond comprehension," said super agent Drew Rosenhaus. "Who knows how many 100mph-tossing potential defectors were killed initially, and how many more Juan Pierre's lie presently beneath pounds of rubble? We cannot rest until we salvage all of the talent we possibly can and return these young men to America to sign multi-year contracts with interested franchises."

"All of us understand our mission," spoke Atlanta Braves' GM Frank Wren. "These players have the opportunity to sign with the first team they come into contact with. We need to assist them back to the states, where they can take refuge in our farm leagues for development."

After twenty-four hours in the disaster stricken nation, the prevailing theory among baseball executives is that at least nine front-end starters are dead or maimed to the extent that not even Tommy John surgery can save them. The search has already been called off for four power hitting, left-handed first basemen, along with several more sure-handed, speedy utility players.

"We just have to face the hard truth that we are not going to be able to save them all," continuted Wren. "Despite our best efforts, many of these prodigies will be lost to us forever. We must resolve to keep the hope of finding their teammates alive. At the very least, we can take solace in the fact that, with so many talented players gone forever, the Haitian World Baseball Classic team will be significantly less formidable."

Jack Del Rio Clearly Oblivious to the Institution of Sarcasm

Jack Del Rio emerged from a two-hour meeting with Jacksonville Jaguars' owner Wayne Weaver this afternoon proudly proclaiming to a throng of north Florida media that he is "here to stay" as the franchise's coach for the immediate future.

While Del Rio maintains that the extension of his tenure is due to Weaver's "unflinching commitment" to the coach and the "direction of the program" under his leadership, sources close to the negotiations feel otherwise. "Jack's abject inability to sense Mr. Weaver's blatant sarcasm is the sole reason he will remain our head coach," explained GM Gene Smith.

Reportedly, Del Rio entered Weaver's office this morning finding it bedecked in cardinal and gold, with footage of his collegiate playing days looping on the facilitiy's flatscreen televisions. Photos of his wife from her undergraduate days as a USC cheerleader in the widely-recognized white sweater hung in frames throughout the corridors of Jacksonville Municipal Stadium's operations hub.

Del Rio was met with a hearty hug from Weaver, a symbol of friendship he had not received since the team's playoff victory over Pittsburgh in the 2007 playoffs. Weaver sat the coach down and is said to have delivered this sarcasm-laden soliloquy:

"Jack... it sure has been nice having you around these seven years. The ups, the downs, they have all been a pleasure with you at my side. Boy would we love to have you stick around to see this team through a turnaround, but we can't argue with the lucrative, convenient and enticing offer the University of Southern California recently offered you for your services. Gee I just wish I could convince you to turn it down. But I completely understand if you decide it is best for you and your family to forgo the, oh... What was it? Fifteen-million, plus or minus (but who's counting?) dollars we currently will owe you at the end of your contract to pursue your dream of leading your alma mater, the mighty Trojans of USC (favored to win the Pac 10 for the next decade and located in free spirited, sunny Los Angeles). The slings and arrows that accompany coaching in such a tough division for an embattled, irrelevant east coast team are more than just about anyone can handle and we are behind you one-hundred percent if you feel it's best to WALK OUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW AND HOP THE NEXT FLIGHT TO LAX."

Weaver's pronounced effort to impel Del Rio to walk out on the fifteen-million dollars he will be owed through suggestive tongue-in-cheek rhetoric fell on deaf ears. The coach, well-known for his earnestness and sincerity, took Weaver's words at face value, smiled to the owner and ensured that he will be the Jags' coach as long as they would have him.

"I cannot believe, with all the pains I took to emphasize his collegiate All-American legacy, that Jack did not get the hint. That good for nothing, virtuous bastard has done just well enough [posting two playoff wins and a 55-54 overall record] to escape the axe... and I don't even want to think about that fifteen-million dollars we owe him. What with the approaching salary cap-free season we already have to face on a meager budget... He had an offer for his dream job! That asshole can't see two feet in front of him."

The Jaguars face an uphill battle in 2010 with a youth-laden roster and glaring needs for veterans in key spots, which, coupled with the town's notorious inability to fill their unsponsored stadium, may result in the team's sale and move to Los Angeles.

When asked about the possibility of coaching the franchise in his hometown in the future, Del Rio responded brightly, "If that occurs, I'd be more than willing to coach the team in the land of my upbringing, the place I adore above all else. Why, it would be a dream come true!"

At press time Weaver was seen through the window of his luxury suite dabbing his eyes with a towel and staring at a picture of Bill Cowher while clutching a pair of Nine West stilettos.

David Greene: Filthy Play-Fake, 2002

(Wait for the replay...)

O'Hair Fires Disappointing Second-Round 81

After opening with a 66 and storming into the lead at the TOUR Championship yesterday, Sean O'Hair followed-up with a disappointing 81 today at East Lake Golf Club outside of Atlanta, Georgia.

O'Hair inexplicably failed to get up-and-down a single time today, depite narrowly missing the green at numbers 2, 7, 11, 13 and 18. With only 26 putts on the round, O'Hair's stellar run with the flatstick continued after being spotted taking some pre-round putting advice from world number one Tiger Woods yesterday. However, it was not enough to overcome his short game woes, as he continually overshot greens with short pitches.

"I just could not not find the green with a chip all day long," O'Hair said, "My hands felt fidgety on the club and I couldn't get comfortable over the ball on my bump-and-run shots."

The scene on the 11th green epitomized O'Hair's afternoon. He stubbed two pitches with a sand-wedge before switching to a 9-iron and sending his ball cascading through the green and into the gallery. He took an 11 on the hole, effectively ending his chances at the title and its potential accompanying $10 million prize.

"I have no idea what got into me. I had a great practice session before the round and even had time to go over some short game game ideas with Phil [Mickelson] before I teed off," O'Hair said, in reference to a conversation he had with Mickelson beside East Lake's practice green shortly before his 12:00 tee time.

Mickelson, himself, shot 68 on the day, overcoming yesterday's lackluster 73, which was highlighted by several shanks and flubs on number 8, leading to an unpleasant score of 8.

Just a thought...

By now you've surely seen the newest Nike football commercial featuring Adrian Peterson. You know, the one where he runs around the field, baffling the opposition and perplexing its coaching staff, in the driving sleet, in black and white, before retiring into the locker room to undress and display his hexagon-scaled skin, all in an effort to promote the Nike Pro Combat line of compression-wear football equipment that features strategic hexagonal padding??

You've seen it, it's highly theatric, in keeping with Nike's recent marketing practices, which makes me wonder if that is actually Peterson hurdling, sidestepping and causing oxygen deficiency in defenders, or if a stuntman is filling in and we are deceived by some professional camera work.

Think about it. That field is sloppy (presumably to demonstrate the Nike frontman's capacity to endure the elements and succeed, while his inferiorly-clad opponents resign to sit on their helmets and suck oxygen from O2 tanks). But would the Vikings, who are investing $2.85 million a year (plus massive incentives) into their workhorse, allow Peterson to trot around, even making pre-conceived cuts on that playing surface, among twenty-one other padded actors, all of whom could potentially take a mis-step and roll up on his leg? Doesn't seem very likely.

So that begs the question... what are we seeing in the commercial? Is it a stunt-Peterson? Or is the director exploiting slow-motion technology that somehow lets Adrian Peterson run in complete safety? Or is it some other Hollywood movie trick? I guess none of it really matters, because he came away healthy, but the commercial does make you wonder how much control teams have over their players, especially face-of-the-franchise type guys like A.P.

(Take a look at the video on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xQF2XDsswg)

The ACC and the Summer of '04

The ACC logged its biggest win of the young season when Florida State knocked off seventh-ranked BYU in Provo, Utah this Saturday. Think about that… FSU defeating a Mountain West team today is seen as an impressive feat. It’s a fact that demonstrates the sad state of the Atlantic Coast Conference in its current form, a far cry from the mega-conference the ACC felt it was becoming in the summer of 2004.

Let me take you back, back to July 2004. George W. Bush boasts a 51% approval rating and seeks a second term of office. The Nelly song, “Over and Over Again” with Tim McGraw is getting considerable radio airtime, Facebook is four months old and the ACC is a respectable athletic conference best known for its sterling academic reputation.

In July of ’04 ACC Commissioner John Swafford organizes efforts to entice perennial Big East juggernaut Miami and burgeoning, defensive-minded Virginia Tech to ally with the conference and elevate the ACC into a venerated regional power poised to challenge the SEC, Big 10 and Big 12.

It was an impressive move. And you were hard pressed to find a critic who felt the annexation did anything but make the ACC an immediate BCS power broker. Va. Tech was building an impressive resume, with four recent BCS bowl invites and a national title game appearance. Miami added five national title claims to the conference coffers and an instantaneous rivalry with Miami, certain to curb national attention. The addition of the two new schools gave the ACC a total of twelve, the magic number needed to institute a conference championship game, and an automatic media spotlight. How could the conference go anywhere but up?

Back to the current day, a Wake Forest ACC championship and two Boston College runners-up later, and the conference has become a yearly disappointment. Florida State and Miami, the conference’s cornerstones, have fallen from influence. The ACC title game has been dismally attended and the venue shifted. We are still waiting for the conference’s pre-ordained resurgence. Where’s the yearly national title contender? Where are the prime time rivalry games and new, intriguing matchups brought on by the addition? Raycom Sports, that’s where. The SEC and Big 12 have clearly stepped up as the game’s top conferences. The Big 10 has put two Ohio State teams into the BCS title game since. And the Pac 10 can at least boast USC, its ’04 title and ’06 appearance.

And what does the ACC have to show for its machinations? The Big East is eviscerated. Talking heads are calling for its BCS tie-in to be revoked. And at what cost? The damage done to the Big East certainly isn’t justified by what the new ACC has accomplished, not by a long shot. And since these two BCS conferences cannot hold their own, we must suffer the constant boo-hooing of mid-majors purporting a claim to the national championship every season.

The damage is done, and there’s no going back. While the Big East has improved somewhat this season, its BCS privileges will continually be challenged. The ACC may not be far off from meeting the expectations of 2004, with Miami and FSU showing signs of revival, but the unavoidable truth remains that the annexations of ’04 have so far been a supreme disappointment.