Braves' Hinske to Team: "Come On Guys, This Isn't That Hard"

After lacing a two-out base hit off the right field wall in last night's 9-0 blowout loss to the Los Angeles Angels, Atlanta Braves right fielder Eric Hinske turned to his dugout, saying, "Come on guys, this really isn't that hard!"

Hinske's base hit, which resulted in a single despite reaching the right field wall, was only the team's third of the night, a night that belonged to Angels pitcher Ervin Santana.

Santana threw a mere 103 pitches, striking out 7 and scattering 4 hits in a complete game effort that left the Braves looking helpless at the plate. Helpless, that is, with the exception of Hinske, who was 2 for 3 on the evening.

"I keep telling you guys," Hinske continued upon re-entering the dugout after a Freddie Freeman groundout ended the Braves' half of the inning, "just watch what I do. It's not all that difficult."

Hinske has reportedly spent the bulk of the young season constantly inviting his teammates to hit with him in the batting cage and work out with him in the weight room, so he might pass along his expertise to the team's struggling offense.

"Hinske's always in the cage, telling us, 'Watch how I do it. See? Just like that. It's simple' and asking us to work out with him," says 5-time All-Star and team captain Brian McCann.

Teammates say Hinske constantly trys to teach them workout techniques and new exercises, making considerable boasts despite his decidedly untoned 6'2, 255-pound frame.

"All I'm trying to say," Hinske was overheard saying after the game, "is that you see the ball, you throw your hands at it, and you hit it off the wall! Easy! Why can't any of you guys do it?"

Hinske's self-proclaimed prowess comes despite his being a career journeyman and utility player now on his 6th major league team. He has a career batting average of .255.

"I don't know why you guys think this is so hard. Just go out there and hit doubles in the gap!" Hinske said to no one in particular in the shower after the game, although his teammates had all left upon his entrance.

The Braves' floundering offense has resulted in an underwhelming 25-22 start, despite a pitching staff that has performed near the top of the National League. Atlanta's lack of run production has been the source of much criticism.

"Guys, just swing like this," Hinske encouraged while brandishing a bat in the nude as the team dressed to leave.

"Yeah guys, come on!" piped up team newcomer and fellow utility man Joe Mather, who started in place of a resting Jason Heyward and accounted for the team's 2 only other hits. "Just watch me and Hinsk' do it and you'll hit awesome!"

At press time, Hinske and Mather had manager Fredi Gonzalez cornered in his office arguing their cases to hit in the 3 and 4-holes of the Braves lineup for tonight's game.

An Open Letter to Francisco Liriano

Dear Francisco,

Congratulations on tossing the 270th no-hitter in the history of Major League Baseball. Sports business experts predict this feat will earn you somewhere in the neighborhood of $15-25 million in memorabilia sales over the course of your lifetime. Quite an impressive raise, considering that, in the days before last night's start, your manager openly considered your reassignment to the minor leagues. You were on the verge of never pitching in a major league uniform again! And your response was to throw a game that will forever enshrine your name in the record books.

I must point out that you gave no inclination whatsoever that you were capable of accomplishing such an achievement--especially this year--during which you logged an abysmal 1-4 record, a 9.13 ERA, and a despicable 18/18 strikeout to walk ratio. Sure, you displayed promise in the past. You were an American League all star as a rookie in 2006, and after a middling 3-year stretch in the wake of Tommy John surgery, you confirmed your early-career expectations by being voted last year's AL Comeback Player of the Year.

However, as this season got underway, that award appeared more and more dubious. Control issues, a lack of velocity, and an inability to pitch deep into games forced your manager, Ron Gardenhire, to go on the record questioning your spot in the rotation you were meant to anchor. Things looked bleak. So bleak, in fact, that one particular fantasy owner of yours decided it was not worth the risk to start you last night. There he sat, on the couch, enjoying a lunch break, watching the MLB network, contemplating his fantasy lineup before the day's games commenced. I'd better sit him, he thought. The Twins are sliding. This guy may be out the door soon. There's no way he contributes tonight. Hell! You had never even thrown a complete game! What were the odds you'd spin a no-no at what appeared to be the noir of your career?

But you did. In keeping with your statistical trends up to this point in the season, you walked 6 batters and struck out a mere 2--numbers so beyond pedestrian that they are unprecedented among your no-hitter tossing brethren. Many called it the ugliest no-hitter they'd ever seen. But a no-no's a no-no. It'll go down in history. It'll help fix those atrocious numbers. And no one can ever take it away from you.

So thanks for allowing us to be a part of history with you, you asshole. Next time how about a heads-up before you even think about making a quality start? This better add to your fantasy value because you will soon be floated as trade bait.

With the utmost sincerity,
Statistically-driven fantasy owners across the globe

Kobe Doin' Work

This summer, the LA Times Magazine ran a spread of NBA MVP Kobe Bryant in some provacatively homoerotic poses and outfits. However, somehow the mainstream media failed to acknowledge Kobe's exercise in vanity, despite it occurring not much more than a year after another athlete's widely-ridiculed exploits in Details.

The notoriously competitive and driven Bryant reveals a side of himself not before seen by the public.

I find this bow tie-clad Pinocchio shot most disturbing...



The juxtaposition of Kobe's skin color to the stark white of his scarves and plunging V-necks also evokes troubling racial undertones...



You can find the entire spread, entitled "Kobe: White Hot," online here.

Hopefully this is just another example of an athlete in above his head and manipulated by a racy photographer. Otherwise, might it foretell Kobe taking his talents even further south than South Beach... perhaps to the notoriously gay-friendly environs of Key West?

Stroke of Genius

President Obama addresses congress and the nation tonight in the annual State of the Union address. Item number one on Barry's dockett? Job creation. Libs have expressed frustration with the president's watered-down agenda, but there is one issue Barry has made no mystery he supports: the establishment of a playoff system to determine an NCAA football champion. It will come as no surprise to our readership that White House brass reached out to Deucedbrains for assistance with tonight's speech and some fresh ideas to pull the country out of its financial tailspin. Here is what our brains trust suggested:

So, the public is clamoring for a solution to the staggering employment paralysis preventing the U.S. from emerging out of the recession. How can we create some blue collar jobs while simultaneously satisfying the country's desperate need for an undisputed football champion? Easy, a 64 team playoff. Cut six weeks from the school year, thereby reducing states' expenditures on public colleges. Hire countless employees to work the spectacle that will encompass a two month-long playoff with corporate sponsored "bowls" serving as the first and second rounds, on into the Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight, and so on. The revenue from these games will inject a much-needed I.V. of cash into the broadcasters and companies who stamp their names on the bowls, boosting the economy and busting collective earnings numbers out of their nation-wide slump. Once a national champ is crowned, we predict the Dow will have jumped 35%, and the working class will have secure jobs for a quarter of the year, providing ample opportunity to lock up employment with corporations who will find themselves in a post-boom hiring mode. Naturally, approval ratings for the government will skyrocket, guaranteeing Barry can coast into a second term, within which he can dig into second-tier interests like foreign policy, inflation, and the nation's current armed conflicts. Talking heads claim there is no silver bullet for the country's woes. Deucedbrains presents a tech-nine with sixteen sterling rounds in the clip and one in the hole.

From Dubai with Love, a Modest Proposal: Geoff Ogilvy's Professional Advice for Tiger

Today, ESPN.com reported a statement Geoff Ogilvy made to the media covering this week's Abu Dhabi Championship in the UAE (http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=4841404). Ogilvy provided some unsolicited career suggestions to world number one Tiger Woods, who is reported to be attending a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi dealing with the character flaws that resulted in his recent hiatus from the game. After Ogilvy met with ESPN and the press at large, Deucedbrain's Middle-east correspondent caught up with the '06 US Open champ and winner of the Tour's season-opening SBS Championship.

"Listen," Ogilvy said, "when it comes to golf, Tiger has done it all and won it all. What more does he have left to accomplish? Think of [Michael] Jordan. When he reached the apex of his profession, he took on something new, he challenged himself to play professional baseball. Tiger should take this opportunity to reflect on everything he has achieved as a golfer and move on. What does it prove if he comes back to break Jack [Nicklaus]'s [all-time major championship] record? We know he's [Woods] the best golfer to ever live. Show us the breadth of your athletic talent. [Woods's father] Earl proclaimed Tiger the best athlete in the world. Prove it. Take up hockey, rugby or soccer. It's time you let the rest of us [PGA Tour veterans] experience some well-deserved success."

Apart from Nicklaus's mark for career major championship victories, Tiger has rewritten golf's history. He has won an astonishing 55 of his 201 events as a professional and earned an estimated $1 billion in PGA Tour winnings and endorsements. Ogilvy makes a valid point. Tiger needs to begin anew, now more than ever, considering the recent circumstances that revealed his blatant moral shortcomings to the public. What better outright way to prove he can change than taking up a new profession? Get a hint, Tiger. And get yourself a tennis racquet.

2010 Swimsuit Edition

With record lows gripping the nation, and an utter lack of creative initiative, Deucedbrains is proud to present its inaugural Swimsuit Edition, featuring many of your favorite athletes from today and yesteryear like you've never seen them before.


John Daly, who is prone to ditching his top in practice rounds to free up his spleen-shattering, over-extended backswing, shows the fruit of his weight room labor and the vast reaches of international athletic superstardom.


Another PGA Tour mainstay, Doug Barron, bears his chest. (Shown in designer plaid trousers by Joseph A. Bank's Leadbetter collection)


Tiger Woods displays the body that launched a thousand Vegas cocktail waitresses. (Beanie by Roc-A-Wear)


Phil Mickelson remains tastefully clad while suggestively revealing the source of his tremendous length off the tee and milky smooth short game.



Moving beyond golf, we find Pete Rose in a vintage shot. Long before Michael Vick, Rose made animal cruelty (notice the leopard-printed skivvies) athlete-chic.


From the same archive comes Jim Palmer, Orioles' Hall of Famer and no stranger to the weight room. Palmer never took the mound without his patterened bikini bottoms


All-star outfielder and Skoal spokesman -turned hedgefund manager savant -turned bankrupted buffoon Lenny "Nails" Dykstra "bears" all (get it? bull/bear market?)


Ensemble performer of the steroid era, Brady Anderson, displays how a light-hitting corner outfielder can turn Maris-chaser with the right blend of chemical compounds and Adonis-esque arrogance.


Andre Agassi may have felt he needed a hair piece to satisfy tennis fans, but here proves here he is flocculent in all the right places.


How did this physique plummet to the sixth round!? Tom Brady shows what it takes to bag a supermodel.


Vince Young, Patron bottle to the face, demonstrates that a strict regimen of alcohol and exercise can cure even the deepest depression.

There you have it. Feel free to propagate these images directly onto your operating systems' desktops or post them in your gym locker for inspiration. Oh, the varied anatomies of our sports heroes!

MLB Spearheads Relief Initiative in Haiti

Traditional relief organizations the Red Cross, the United Nations and the Peace Corps all dispatched rescue missions to the island nation of Haiti today in the wake of yesterday's devastating earthquake, which left thousands dead, injured or missing. However, the first aid-providing institution on the ground surprised both Haitians and worldwide observers alike. Major League Baseball dispatched an impressive armada of assistance yesterday, even before the ink on the seismometer's printout dried. General Managers, team owners and sports agents took to the skies, flying in a tight formation of G-4's and LearJets, touching down into Port au Prince's modest airport as early as 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

"We had to get here as soon as we could. The turmoil is beyond comprehension," said super agent Drew Rosenhaus. "Who knows how many 100mph-tossing potential defectors were killed initially, and how many more Juan Pierre's lie presently beneath pounds of rubble? We cannot rest until we salvage all of the talent we possibly can and return these young men to America to sign multi-year contracts with interested franchises."

"All of us understand our mission," spoke Atlanta Braves' GM Frank Wren. "These players have the opportunity to sign with the first team they come into contact with. We need to assist them back to the states, where they can take refuge in our farm leagues for development."

After twenty-four hours in the disaster stricken nation, the prevailing theory among baseball executives is that at least nine front-end starters are dead or maimed to the extent that not even Tommy John surgery can save them. The search has already been called off for four power hitting, left-handed first basemen, along with several more sure-handed, speedy utility players.

"We just have to face the hard truth that we are not going to be able to save them all," continuted Wren. "Despite our best efforts, many of these prodigies will be lost to us forever. We must resolve to keep the hope of finding their teammates alive. At the very least, we can take solace in the fact that, with so many talented players gone forever, the Haitian World Baseball Classic team will be significantly less formidable."