MLB Spearheads Relief Initiative in Haiti

Traditional relief organizations the Red Cross, the United Nations and the Peace Corps all dispatched rescue missions to the island nation of Haiti today in the wake of yesterday's devastating earthquake, which left thousands dead, injured or missing. However, the first aid-providing institution on the ground surprised both Haitians and worldwide observers alike. Major League Baseball dispatched an impressive armada of assistance yesterday, even before the ink on the seismometer's printout dried. General Managers, team owners and sports agents took to the skies, flying in a tight formation of G-4's and LearJets, touching down into Port au Prince's modest airport as early as 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

"We had to get here as soon as we could. The turmoil is beyond comprehension," said super agent Drew Rosenhaus. "Who knows how many 100mph-tossing potential defectors were killed initially, and how many more Juan Pierre's lie presently beneath pounds of rubble? We cannot rest until we salvage all of the talent we possibly can and return these young men to America to sign multi-year contracts with interested franchises."

"All of us understand our mission," spoke Atlanta Braves' GM Frank Wren. "These players have the opportunity to sign with the first team they come into contact with. We need to assist them back to the states, where they can take refuge in our farm leagues for development."

After twenty-four hours in the disaster stricken nation, the prevailing theory among baseball executives is that at least nine front-end starters are dead or maimed to the extent that not even Tommy John surgery can save them. The search has already been called off for four power hitting, left-handed first basemen, along with several more sure-handed, speedy utility players.

"We just have to face the hard truth that we are not going to be able to save them all," continuted Wren. "Despite our best efforts, many of these prodigies will be lost to us forever. We must resolve to keep the hope of finding their teammates alive. At the very least, we can take solace in the fact that, with so many talented players gone forever, the Haitian World Baseball Classic team will be significantly less formidable."