Kobe Doin' Work

This summer, the LA Times Magazine ran a spread of NBA MVP Kobe Bryant in some provacatively homoerotic poses and outfits. However, somehow the mainstream media failed to acknowledge Kobe's exercise in vanity, despite it occurring not much more than a year after another athlete's widely-ridiculed exploits in Details.

The notoriously competitive and driven Bryant reveals a side of himself not before seen by the public.

I find this bow tie-clad Pinocchio shot most disturbing...



The juxtaposition of Kobe's skin color to the stark white of his scarves and plunging V-necks also evokes troubling racial undertones...



You can find the entire spread, entitled "Kobe: White Hot," online here.

Hopefully this is just another example of an athlete in above his head and manipulated by a racy photographer. Otherwise, might it foretell Kobe taking his talents even further south than South Beach... perhaps to the notoriously gay-friendly environs of Key West?

Stroke of Genius

President Obama addresses congress and the nation tonight in the annual State of the Union address. Item number one on Barry's dockett? Job creation. Libs have expressed frustration with the president's watered-down agenda, but there is one issue Barry has made no mystery he supports: the establishment of a playoff system to determine an NCAA football champion. It will come as no surprise to our readership that White House brass reached out to Deucedbrains for assistance with tonight's speech and some fresh ideas to pull the country out of its financial tailspin. Here is what our brains trust suggested:

So, the public is clamoring for a solution to the staggering employment paralysis preventing the U.S. from emerging out of the recession. How can we create some blue collar jobs while simultaneously satisfying the country's desperate need for an undisputed football champion? Easy, a 64 team playoff. Cut six weeks from the school year, thereby reducing states' expenditures on public colleges. Hire countless employees to work the spectacle that will encompass a two month-long playoff with corporate sponsored "bowls" serving as the first and second rounds, on into the Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight, and so on. The revenue from these games will inject a much-needed I.V. of cash into the broadcasters and companies who stamp their names on the bowls, boosting the economy and busting collective earnings numbers out of their nation-wide slump. Once a national champ is crowned, we predict the Dow will have jumped 35%, and the working class will have secure jobs for a quarter of the year, providing ample opportunity to lock up employment with corporations who will find themselves in a post-boom hiring mode. Naturally, approval ratings for the government will skyrocket, guaranteeing Barry can coast into a second term, within which he can dig into second-tier interests like foreign policy, inflation, and the nation's current armed conflicts. Talking heads claim there is no silver bullet for the country's woes. Deucedbrains presents a tech-nine with sixteen sterling rounds in the clip and one in the hole.

From Dubai with Love, a Modest Proposal: Geoff Ogilvy's Professional Advice for Tiger

Today, ESPN.com reported a statement Geoff Ogilvy made to the media covering this week's Abu Dhabi Championship in the UAE (http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=4841404). Ogilvy provided some unsolicited career suggestions to world number one Tiger Woods, who is reported to be attending a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi dealing with the character flaws that resulted in his recent hiatus from the game. After Ogilvy met with ESPN and the press at large, Deucedbrain's Middle-east correspondent caught up with the '06 US Open champ and winner of the Tour's season-opening SBS Championship.

"Listen," Ogilvy said, "when it comes to golf, Tiger has done it all and won it all. What more does he have left to accomplish? Think of [Michael] Jordan. When he reached the apex of his profession, he took on something new, he challenged himself to play professional baseball. Tiger should take this opportunity to reflect on everything he has achieved as a golfer and move on. What does it prove if he comes back to break Jack [Nicklaus]'s [all-time major championship] record? We know he's [Woods] the best golfer to ever live. Show us the breadth of your athletic talent. [Woods's father] Earl proclaimed Tiger the best athlete in the world. Prove it. Take up hockey, rugby or soccer. It's time you let the rest of us [PGA Tour veterans] experience some well-deserved success."

Apart from Nicklaus's mark for career major championship victories, Tiger has rewritten golf's history. He has won an astonishing 55 of his 201 events as a professional and earned an estimated $1 billion in PGA Tour winnings and endorsements. Ogilvy makes a valid point. Tiger needs to begin anew, now more than ever, considering the recent circumstances that revealed his blatant moral shortcomings to the public. What better outright way to prove he can change than taking up a new profession? Get a hint, Tiger. And get yourself a tennis racquet.

2010 Swimsuit Edition

With record lows gripping the nation, and an utter lack of creative initiative, Deucedbrains is proud to present its inaugural Swimsuit Edition, featuring many of your favorite athletes from today and yesteryear like you've never seen them before.


John Daly, who is prone to ditching his top in practice rounds to free up his spleen-shattering, over-extended backswing, shows the fruit of his weight room labor and the vast reaches of international athletic superstardom.


Another PGA Tour mainstay, Doug Barron, bears his chest. (Shown in designer plaid trousers by Joseph A. Bank's Leadbetter collection)


Tiger Woods displays the body that launched a thousand Vegas cocktail waitresses. (Beanie by Roc-A-Wear)


Phil Mickelson remains tastefully clad while suggestively revealing the source of his tremendous length off the tee and milky smooth short game.



Moving beyond golf, we find Pete Rose in a vintage shot. Long before Michael Vick, Rose made animal cruelty (notice the leopard-printed skivvies) athlete-chic.


From the same archive comes Jim Palmer, Orioles' Hall of Famer and no stranger to the weight room. Palmer never took the mound without his patterened bikini bottoms


All-star outfielder and Skoal spokesman -turned hedgefund manager savant -turned bankrupted buffoon Lenny "Nails" Dykstra "bears" all (get it? bull/bear market?)


Ensemble performer of the steroid era, Brady Anderson, displays how a light-hitting corner outfielder can turn Maris-chaser with the right blend of chemical compounds and Adonis-esque arrogance.


Andre Agassi may have felt he needed a hair piece to satisfy tennis fans, but here proves here he is flocculent in all the right places.


How did this physique plummet to the sixth round!? Tom Brady shows what it takes to bag a supermodel.


Vince Young, Patron bottle to the face, demonstrates that a strict regimen of alcohol and exercise can cure even the deepest depression.

There you have it. Feel free to propagate these images directly onto your operating systems' desktops or post them in your gym locker for inspiration. Oh, the varied anatomies of our sports heroes!

MLB Spearheads Relief Initiative in Haiti

Traditional relief organizations the Red Cross, the United Nations and the Peace Corps all dispatched rescue missions to the island nation of Haiti today in the wake of yesterday's devastating earthquake, which left thousands dead, injured or missing. However, the first aid-providing institution on the ground surprised both Haitians and worldwide observers alike. Major League Baseball dispatched an impressive armada of assistance yesterday, even before the ink on the seismometer's printout dried. General Managers, team owners and sports agents took to the skies, flying in a tight formation of G-4's and LearJets, touching down into Port au Prince's modest airport as early as 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

"We had to get here as soon as we could. The turmoil is beyond comprehension," said super agent Drew Rosenhaus. "Who knows how many 100mph-tossing potential defectors were killed initially, and how many more Juan Pierre's lie presently beneath pounds of rubble? We cannot rest until we salvage all of the talent we possibly can and return these young men to America to sign multi-year contracts with interested franchises."

"All of us understand our mission," spoke Atlanta Braves' GM Frank Wren. "These players have the opportunity to sign with the first team they come into contact with. We need to assist them back to the states, where they can take refuge in our farm leagues for development."

After twenty-four hours in the disaster stricken nation, the prevailing theory among baseball executives is that at least nine front-end starters are dead or maimed to the extent that not even Tommy John surgery can save them. The search has already been called off for four power hitting, left-handed first basemen, along with several more sure-handed, speedy utility players.

"We just have to face the hard truth that we are not going to be able to save them all," continuted Wren. "Despite our best efforts, many of these prodigies will be lost to us forever. We must resolve to keep the hope of finding their teammates alive. At the very least, we can take solace in the fact that, with so many talented players gone forever, the Haitian World Baseball Classic team will be significantly less formidable."

Jack Del Rio Clearly Oblivious to the Institution of Sarcasm

Jack Del Rio emerged from a two-hour meeting with Jacksonville Jaguars' owner Wayne Weaver this afternoon proudly proclaiming to a throng of north Florida media that he is "here to stay" as the franchise's coach for the immediate future.

While Del Rio maintains that the extension of his tenure is due to Weaver's "unflinching commitment" to the coach and the "direction of the program" under his leadership, sources close to the negotiations feel otherwise. "Jack's abject inability to sense Mr. Weaver's blatant sarcasm is the sole reason he will remain our head coach," explained GM Gene Smith.

Reportedly, Del Rio entered Weaver's office this morning finding it bedecked in cardinal and gold, with footage of his collegiate playing days looping on the facilitiy's flatscreen televisions. Photos of his wife from her undergraduate days as a USC cheerleader in the widely-recognized white sweater hung in frames throughout the corridors of Jacksonville Municipal Stadium's operations hub.

Del Rio was met with a hearty hug from Weaver, a symbol of friendship he had not received since the team's playoff victory over Pittsburgh in the 2007 playoffs. Weaver sat the coach down and is said to have delivered this sarcasm-laden soliloquy:

"Jack... it sure has been nice having you around these seven years. The ups, the downs, they have all been a pleasure with you at my side. Boy would we love to have you stick around to see this team through a turnaround, but we can't argue with the lucrative, convenient and enticing offer the University of Southern California recently offered you for your services. Gee I just wish I could convince you to turn it down. But I completely understand if you decide it is best for you and your family to forgo the, oh... What was it? Fifteen-million, plus or minus (but who's counting?) dollars we currently will owe you at the end of your contract to pursue your dream of leading your alma mater, the mighty Trojans of USC (favored to win the Pac 10 for the next decade and located in free spirited, sunny Los Angeles). The slings and arrows that accompany coaching in such a tough division for an embattled, irrelevant east coast team are more than just about anyone can handle and we are behind you one-hundred percent if you feel it's best to WALK OUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW AND HOP THE NEXT FLIGHT TO LAX."

Weaver's pronounced effort to impel Del Rio to walk out on the fifteen-million dollars he will be owed through suggestive tongue-in-cheek rhetoric fell on deaf ears. The coach, well-known for his earnestness and sincerity, took Weaver's words at face value, smiled to the owner and ensured that he will be the Jags' coach as long as they would have him.

"I cannot believe, with all the pains I took to emphasize his collegiate All-American legacy, that Jack did not get the hint. That good for nothing, virtuous bastard has done just well enough [posting two playoff wins and a 55-54 overall record] to escape the axe... and I don't even want to think about that fifteen-million dollars we owe him. What with the approaching salary cap-free season we already have to face on a meager budget... He had an offer for his dream job! That asshole can't see two feet in front of him."

The Jaguars face an uphill battle in 2010 with a youth-laden roster and glaring needs for veterans in key spots, which, coupled with the town's notorious inability to fill their unsponsored stadium, may result in the team's sale and move to Los Angeles.

When asked about the possibility of coaching the franchise in his hometown in the future, Del Rio responded brightly, "If that occurs, I'd be more than willing to coach the team in the land of my upbringing, the place I adore above all else. Why, it would be a dream come true!"

At press time Weaver was seen through the window of his luxury suite dabbing his eyes with a towel and staring at a picture of Bill Cowher while clutching a pair of Nine West stilettos.